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What for?

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While in session with my amazing Life Coach, she asked a question that baffled me and opened up a new door of possibility. I will share that question with you. It is simply “what for”. She also asked me “what for” I did something or didn’t do what I wanted or needed to do.

Yes! What for do I open the curtains of my room in the morning, “what for” I watch a show, “What for” everything.

She asked me to write “what for” I do everything I do on a daily basis for a week.

What for? In order to find out where my time goes and the reasons I have assigned these times to those activities. As well, this question can help me see where my mind is at. What I am thinking about.

As a Life Coach myself, I ask the same questions, but in a different way. I would ask you to write everything you do in a day or week in order to analyze your activities to structure a goal-minded schedule. Let’s find out why you do something in order to find out if that is what you really want to do or how beneficial it is in order to achieve your goals.

However, the question of “what for” enables me to find out the purpose for which I do something or I don’t. I tend to find explanations of why I do or don’t do something.

I have realized that finding explanations that start with the word “because” are answering the question “why”. In many instances, we need to find out why in order to find the root cause of something. Yet, finding out “what for” entails purpose, gives a sense of responsibility, and builds mindfulness.

Now, whenever I am about to do or not do something I ask myself “what for” I should or not do that activity. This makes me think before I act and it helps me not refrain from doing what I need or desire to do. It allows me to make more conscious choices with my time and with the path that I am taking to achieve my goals. Whether the goals are emotional growth or financial ones.

I invite you to ask yourself “what for” you are doing something.

The answer might surprise you. You might catch yourself doing things for the wrong reason. You might find that you do things for others more than for yourself, even when are not needed. You might also find encouragement to pursue something you are not facing in your life right now.

Why should you try to ask less “why” and more what for?

Because you deserve your very best. The answer to “Why” might make your pain or heartache feel validated, it might help you find the root cause of your feelings and that is ok. However, after asking “why” whether you find an answer or not, asking “what for” might help you gain ground and momentum to structure your actions toward achieving goals and growing.

With much love,

Alicia

Fear of change? Here is how to have an easier transition.

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It’s so funny how when there are changes on Facebook, we feel weird.  Some people complain saying things like: “I do not like it this change. I want the old way back. I was so used to it.”  However, we all quickly adjust to the new settings, the new look and we no longer question the change, we no longer experience any difference. It feels normal again rather quickly. We go on with our lives as if Facebook had not changed at all.

The same happens when Yahoo or other internet commodity changes their look or settings.  Yet, when a change happens in our personal lives. this process does not go as smooth.  We are still experiencing the discomfort of having to see, feel and or do something differently than what we were used to. We are moving away from our known or comfort zone.

Whether we move homes, towns, schools, jobs, get divorce, get married or need to eat differently because of health issues, we go through the process of “The Fear Of Change”

For some people this process does not feel so difficult and for others it does. Yet, understanding the mechanics of how change affects me will be greatly beneficial for all future changes; as we would have reacquired awareness.

I believe the difference between getting used to changes outside of ourselves and the changes have take place from the inside out, is that one is non-personal, maybe masses of people go through that change at the same time and the change is non-invasive to our daily lives as a personal change would.

I would like to draw from this example a question. If you can get adjusted to a general change social media makes, why don’t you use the same thoughts, understanding and actions to adjust to change in your personal life?

The thoughts or language we use for specific happenings in our lives are dictated by our belief system, thought process and expectations about it.

Examples:

1- Non-personal change: A new social media icon shows up, you sigh up and learn how to use it. It can get frustrating because it is new to you and you are not used to it.

2– Personal change: A new employee is hired and he seats on a desk next to you. You need to get to know this new person, interact and help him through the training process.

They are both adjustments you need to make in your life. However, large or small, if you want to use the new social media page, you will have to get used to their system. As well, if you want to keep your job, you need to get used to a new person sharing your space 8 hours a day.

Again, the difference between them is that example#1 is not personal and example#2 it is.

“Your Belief System Dictates Your Expectations”

The way you see, believe, perceive and understand your surroundings and your what you experience, creates a belief system and most certainly an expectation. According to these expectations you will react or consciously act. In every instance of your life you have preset expectations.

You may experience joy when your expectation is joyful, sad, angry or fearful when that particular expectation is set. This is for the most part, the reason why a person experiences fear of change. SInce the expectation is already set to a tone that says: ” I have done this before and I experienced discomfort, anxiety or even fear as I transitioned into a new surrounding, new job, new people or new way of doing things.

Once you understand what you are experiencing and why, you will find that you have more open options to make conscious decisions that will make transition easier.

It is important to mention that the decisions we make which pursue actions are very important. However, the thoughts that you harbor all day every day are of utmost importance since they shape every belief system and therefore, decisions.  Therefore, paying attention to your thoughts and correcting the fearful thought with a peaceful or courageous thought, the anxious thought with a peaceful one or the hapless thought with a hopeful one. In short you can achieve inner change by paying attention to your thoughts and changing the negative for positive ones.

For examples:

Negative thought: I can’t start over at another job. I am afraid of what kind of people I will find.  Positive thought: I can do this. I have done it before. I am sure i will find interesting people in my new experience.

“Your new normal. Embrace it!”

There are some things you just cannot change, however, there are things that only you can change. You might not have the opportunity to quit your job before you have a new one, but you have the power to take daily walks and relax.  You might not have the power to heal someone, but you do have the power to make a difference in their lives with your love.

 

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes we feel as if all is lost, but it is not.

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In life, we go through cycles.

Just like the world goes through seasons, so do we. At times, we reach that place where everything seems to go downhill. We feel as if all is lost.

We reach that bottom line, where it feels as though we cannot get out of the hole. Our emotions are all over the place, therefore, everything in our lives suffer. Have you ever been there?  Are you there right now? I have been there countless times throughout my life.  Not easy, but possible. I got out every single time. I became stronger with every experience of resilience

Every time we are in the downhill part of a season, we somehow rise up again and start over. Yes, we grow resilient! There could be several reasons why we go to that ugly, painful, and sometimes emotionally torturing pit.

Whether a difficult cycle starts because someone close to us gets sick or dies, or whether we lose a job, get divorced, or sick, we will find emotional difficulties.

Our thinking will change. In many instances, we will feel shaken. Depending on the happening you are going through, the balancing and healing process will take different amounts of time. Yet, it is important to know that no matter where you are, if you are still breathing, you have an opportunity to heal, to overcome and start again.

I don’t have all the answers, but I believe in developing a plan of action for those special times in life. If you do not have a plan, you might feel lost and hopeless.

Here is a small plan for you. Use it as is, modify it to your personality and circumstances, or research a plan that tackles your specific needs.

It is also important to check with your doctor if you suffer from hormonal imbalance due to a disorder.

  1. Accept that what happened, happened.
  2. Acknowledge that this is a process and you cannot hurry it up if you want long term success.
  3. Do not waste your time finding blame. It will not prosper you. Instead, work on healing yourself.
  4. If there is someone you need to forgive, do let it go for your own good.
  5. Do not keep it to yourself. Share your pain with someone. Do not dwell on the issue, but get it off of your chest.
  6. If you can, find a support group. It can be in a church, a group of friends, or family that you can count on.
  7. Give your emotions a workout. Journal, draw, sing, or use whatever form of expression that will allow these emotions to come out in a healthy way.
  8. Design a plan of action by choosing what you want to achieve and making a list of priorities to follow.
  9. Visualize yourself, healed and happy. Do this often.
  10. Whenever possible, volunteer. Help someone else in need. This will make your problems smaller, and it will take your attention away from you.

 

Remember that so long as you are on this earth, you can always find a way to overcome, to start again, to find a purpose, or to take on something new. It is never too late. We do not have to be what we feel. We can rise above our feelings and create a great life for ourselves. Our feelings will adjust to the new person we have become.

 

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

 

Sometimes My Heart Is Just Filled With Sadness…

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Yes! That is part of life for us all. Sometimes, my heart is filled with sadness. There is nothing I can do to avoid the pain. What I do with this pain is what will give direction to my day, week, month, or even life.

What I am about to share with you did not come from a book I read, but from my own pain. This is what I have learned and how I deal with it. I trust that this information and guide will help you deal with your pain in a healthy way, where it will not swallow your life, but instead you will grow from it, increasing awareness, balance and joy as you practice these principles.

We are belief-system, pattern-following, discerning beings.

We human beings need each other and either lead or are lead, but we affect each other in every possible way. I know this is a very strong and broad thought, however, this is, in short, who we are. It is great to have a foundational understanding of who we are and how we function in order to make conscious decisions to direct our lives in the best possible way.

Emotional pain can come from so many different places, whether it is the loss of a loved one, sickness, abandonment, discrimination, joblessness, fear, loneliness, being misunderstood, or any other happening in your life. This will sometimes create weakness in your emotional and mental state.

Can anyone avoid it? No, but…

Pain is part of the set of emotions a human being has. There is no way around it. We can experience it in a diversity of forms, for a vast variety of reason. Yet, we can find a system in which, when applied, these emotions will catapult us into a better us, into a game changer, or even a great example for others to follow.

Though this is something I can help you overcome one on one as a Life Coach, I want to give you tools so that you can work on yourself, starting now.

Pain does not have to take your joy and life away forever. Pain does not have to live inside of you for long periods of time.

Mourning does have a process of its own. I will write about it in another segment.

It is important to mindfully go through this period to come out on the other side of this tunnel and enjoy again. However, for most causes of pain in life, we can come out on the other side of the tunnel rather fast, when we see the light that will guide our steps there. Pain can make you feel blinded, but when you understand what is happening to you and its process, this pain will have a purpose and not swallow your life.

 The “little big” formula to quit being stuck on pain

1- Stop asking “why?”. This will only stunt your walk into freedom from this emotion. This question will not change the fact that something has happened that caused you pain.

2- Take a moment to take a deep breath and think about what you actually feel. Write it down, say it out loud, sing it or draw it. This is the beginning of healing.

3- Make the conscious decision that you want to get over this emotion.

4- Every time you start thinking of this pain, “Why me?”, “How?”, “It’s unfair”, or any negative thought that will keep you trapped in this experience, take quick action. Change the thought for a positive one, like: “Can I learn anything from this happening or pain?”, “Let me change my perspective and evaluate this again.”, or ” I choose not to be stuck on pain. I will do something positive for myself.”

5- Change scenery, if you can. Go for a walk, dance, put music on, or use your imagination where you visualize yourself experiencing joy and freedom.

6- Do something pro-active that will help you feel good with yourself. If you believe in God or pursue a faith or religion, seek God with this pain, pray for strength to overcome it, and pray for others too. Read the Bible for hope and insight.

7- Help someone. When we help someone else in need, you remove yourself from your situation and mental state. It is a blessing for others, and a great tool for you.

8- Remember your value, which is the same value I have and everyone else has. This value is not based on your mistakes, your strengths or weaknesses, but on the fact that you are a living, breathing human being with a world of opportunities for change and growth.

I hope and pray these tools will work for you as well as they work for me and my clients.

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

It Is Never To Late to Start Again.

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Have you ever find yourself in that ugly place, where doors are closed for you? Have you tried to pursue or achieve something so much, but it just does not seem to happen? I have surely been in that place. Maybe that is why I call it “ugly” because I have experienced it. In fact there is a part of  my life where I am still experiencing it.

There is a typical process we go through when we are in that place.  We go through a cycle of hope, we try, we imagine, but it fails. It seems an impossible.

You then get sad or feel down for a while. However, as it is natural in life, you go on with life and put that desire aside or in the back burner, until the next time for some reason your deep desire resurfaces. At which point  you will go through this cycle again?

It is hard. Sometimes it is a terribly hard cycle to go through. Depending on what you are seeking, sometimes, it will be heart breaking.

This is the reason I am writing about this today. It is for you and for me.  “I want to remind us to not give up.”  

I acknowledge that some things are just not meant to be. I agree. However, when do you accept that as a fact? When do you move on?  It is very personal.

I say let’s not give up on that dream, that desired, that hope, or that purpose easily. Instead, let’s pursue and pursue until somehow it either works or until you get the “full realization” that it is not for you.

Just do not take the easy way out.

I know that I am using broad terms without examples that you may relate to right now, so I will share my experience as an example.  

I was born with what many people say is an amazing, powerful voice.  I have never had voice training lessons.  My father used to listen to jazz and opera records.  I used to sing along.  

I very vividly and painfully remember how once, a neighbor offered to pay for private voice lessons for me.  He would hear my opera singing from his house.

My father laughed and never took it seriously, He never recognized my voice or talents.

I was discovered in the street by an agent and became a model.  My intention was to sing.  A year after I finished modeling school my family came to here to the USA and I left everything behind.

Four years after that, I got married to a Kuwaiti national and lived there for many years in his country.  Again, my talent was never recognized.  I was actually instructed to be quiet and not sing loud because it was a shame for people to hear. I was in love.  I had put my burning desire in the back burner. I sang  in the care while I drove around whenever I was by myself.

I sadly got divorced 15 years ago. When that took place, I dedicated to work hard and raise my children on my own.  I am not sorry whatsoever about that.  However, I can tell you that as life took it’s course singing was out of the question. I barely survived financially to even phantom of a singing career.

About a year ago I was invited to a gathering where people sing, narrate poetry and share their talents with each other. A great group of amazing actors, singer and poets.

Every time I sing people comment on my voice and they always tell me: “I cannot believe you are not a professional singer.  You need to pursue”

Now, I am 53 years old. I have lost some of my voice range, I feel insecure and still have not been able to get training.  I am also pursuing my career as a Life Coach and a  motivational speaker.

Nevertheless, I am slowly pursuing my dream. I put one foot in front of the other and walk.  Doors are still closed, but I have turn up the heat of my back burner.  If it does not work, it will not be because I gave up, but because it was not meant to be.

How much will I invest of myself in this lifelong dream? For right now, I only turn up the heat on the back burner.  

My family and career are in the front burner.

It is up to you how you choose to develop this dream or desire, but I encourage you to find courage and pursue.  

Babies fall over and over until they walk straight.  They do not give up at the sight of failure. so please, don’t you do that either. Take on and take off. Life is a beautiful struggle, very worth living at it’s fullest.

 

Believe in yourself you deserve it.

 

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

 

Go with the flow. Is that the way to go?

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Go with the flow. Is that the way to go? 

 

Sometimes it is the best way to go.  Sometimes it is not.  Therefore, it cannot be used as a rule of thumb.

Because knowingly or unknowingly we need acceptance from other human beings ,and because we need to experience a sense of belonging; we many times go with the flow. Whether their flow goes along with our personality, taste and way of life or now. Therefore, many times our values are jeopardized.

Yet, we become blind and give in to be someone we are not in front of a particular person or a specific group of people. We compromise to not be left out, to fit in. Did you know that there is a price to pay every time you compromise?

The decision is always yours.

 

What you are compromising for might be less beneficial that what you are gaining.  Therefore, it is a great cause to compromise your values, traits of your personality, goals or personal desires. Say that you need to fit in at work, or be part of the “in group”.  I understand how hard it is to not fit in or be part of the cool group at work.

It may make your life hard, sometimes even “a living hell”. You may go unnoticed and your efforts and hard work might go unnoticed. It may cut your chances for growth within the company. This is very a personal decision, since you make a living at that job.  However, how much are you willing to compromise for it? For how long? Or, how much are you willing to suffer so that you do not compromise? If you find yourself in such situation, it might be time to try your best at work, while you seek new employment.

You can be confronted with situations where it is imperative for you to fit in and be part of… This can a happen at school, at church, in your neighborhood, etc.

Be aware of who they are before you pledge allegiance. 

 

If you are about to choose a business partner, for example. I would suggest to really know who that person is in a personal level before you open that door. Do you hold similar values? Is this person willing to compromise to healthy practices if needed?

Is this your boyfriend or girlfriend? These are important topics to discuss if you are looking for a long term relationship. If you deffer in how much you would compromise in an unhealthy way to fit in, that would be a strong discrepancy in your relationship.

Going with the flow may be a good thing if it is for a greater purpose, if it is to keep peace or a good relationship. Please, be aware every time you make choices that will affect your values and your value as a person

 

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian