Better Life Today

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Healing

The Freedom of True Forgiveness

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I was pondering about something that for most people is very hard to deal with, Forgiveness. There are so many types of different things one can easily forgive, and yet there are others that are hard. You can forgive a stranger for stepping on your foot on the train. You can easily forgive a friend who is late to pick you up to attend an event. However, when you need to forgive a family member, husband wife, son, daughter, mother or father, it is not as easy.

You most likely experience some friction in your relationship with the person who has hurt you in any way, whether it was recently or in the past.  In such a situation is when you need to exercise your “Forgiveness Muscle”.

I will share a few perspectives to help you in the journey to true forgiveness.

1- Please notice that the person who has hurt your feelings has most probably had a different experience growing up than you did. Therefore, their thought process isn’t the same as yours.

2- Recognize that the forgiveness you are about to grant is not for them, but for you. People will go about their business, yet the unforgiveness will not allow them to experience true happiness. It might as well stunt their inner growth.

3- Really, forgiving is about letting the go, though you might feel hurt.  You can recognize that this is something that you need to work on by yourself or with the help of therapy, if necessary. Yet, you no longer hold the person who hurt you as the continuous responsible party. You do let them go. Doing this will help you heal that pain. It will allow the other person to heal and grow as well. In most cases, both parties are hurt and both parties have to deal with letting go and moving on.

4- Sometimes, we get to understand what actually happened, and sometimes we do not. Sometimes, we can see eye to eye with the other person’s point of view which lead to the fight or disagreement, sometimes we won’t. Sometimes, he or she will ask you to forgive them and sometimes they won’t.

As well, sometimes the person who hurt you or even traumatized you passed away or moved away and you will never get them to say “I am sorry”.  However, for your sake and for your healing, it is imperative that you say, “I forgive you”. It is impossible to heal until you take this step.

You might not think about the issue much, you might hide the pain or even run away from the whole experience. Yet, at some point, you will realize that the hurt leads you to be reactive to certain triggers, that you face difficulties in your relationships, because we tend to defend ourselves so that we do not get hurt again. Therefore, truly letting go is the only way to begin to heal yourself so that the particular hurt will not resonate in your relationships and take your peace.

5- You will find that in many cases you think you have forgiven, but in the presence of a trigger you will feel the hurt all over again. Know that this is a journey, a process, and you may need to speak to yourself in a way that allows you to continue to stay firm with the decision you have made of forgiving him, her or them. It is very important that you remind yourself how important this is for your peace and happiness, for your future and progress as often as needed.  You deserve good things.  You deserve to overcome that painful moment or period in your life.

This information can help you with mostly anything you need to forgive. If you cannot do this on your own, and you believe in God, I encourage you to seek Him.

Sometimes, certain hurts can turn into traumas, and at this point you might benefit from some form of therapy. It can be a Therapist, Psychologist or a Life Coach.

I wish you the very best in your forgiveness journey.

 

With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

Men do have feelings too?

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Yes!  Men do have feelings too.

This is something I would like to address. Today’s society caters to women much more than they do to men, in most social issues and gender needs. There are all sorts of ministries, centers for abused women, businesses and entities that address women needs. That is absolutely needed and as a woman and a mother myself,  I am most grateful for it.

However, there isn’t much available for men. I have 4 sons and because of that my attention goes to men a lot. I think about their emotional needs, their inner growth, their futures and opportunities. I also think of healthy expectations of them. My children are all pretty grown up. Their ages range from 19 to 28 years old.

As a girl I grew up with a father who was angry, not communicative or expressive; and many times aggressive.  My mother was afraid of his reactions and there wasn’t much communication, except for fear (whether verbal communication or body language)  How do we manage so that dad will not find out or see what we did wrong, etc. Those would be the questions in our minds.  Therefore I did not learn how to relate to men very well.

I got married to a man who in terms of communication was pretty much like my dad. After we got divorced I was left with a pre-teen, a  4 and 6 year old boys.  I learned how to relate to men through raising them and communicating with them.  For the most part I have learned how men think and feel through my amazing boys. Years of dedication and communication with them, through everything they would go through. It is important to point out that we still learn about each other as our communication skills continue to grow and our relationships develop. There is always room for improvement.

This lead me to realized how much we expect from men and how little we support them.

We are no longer living in the era of “boys do not cry”, yet society still expect them not to show emotions and hold it. I say we pretty much behave toward them in the same fashion as we did 50 years ago.

Socially men are not supposed to cry.  If they are emotional they are looked at wrong. As if they are weak or less manly. If they make requests, we women in general tend to work hard at doing things the way we want to.  I am not talking about your or me.  I am not pointing fingers.  I am merely talking about what is happening today in general with a lot of people. As we women have gained terrain, sometimes we go to extremes were men are not valued properly.

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We need to take a moment to think about men.  

Men and women were designed differently for procreation and for different basic jobs. We were not designed to battle against each other or to mistreat each other, but to complement, love and protect each other.God make us different so that we could complement each other on the difficult tasks of life.

I believe men are being misunderstood, and as much as there are guys who do not get involved with their children after divorce ,and as much as there are guys who are violent.  The vast majority of men are loving, dedicated fathers and loving husbands. Moreover, most of those men who act wrong, would act better if they had someone who can understand their emotions and who could guide them to be their best. There should be as many support groups for men as there are for women. I want to see men having more growth and healing opportunities. We all human beings need it and deserve it, regardless of gender.

 

In honor of all the man in my life.
With much love,
Alicia Yombalakian

La mente y la boca

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Lo que sale de tu boca se hara una realidad en tu vida. Cuidado con lo que decis porque se va a hacer realidad.  No llames al mal que viene. Estos son algunos dichos que nos decimos unos a los otros.

No te digo esto por supersticion.  Personalmente, no creo en las supersticiones., pero, cre que en muchisimas instancias estos dichos tiene sentido comun.  Creo en cosas que no se ven como Dios, pero para entender la mayoria de los mecanismos existentes en nuestra mente me gusta buscar el sentido comun.

Sin embargo hay una conexion muy estrecha entre el cerebro y la boca.  La Biblia dice en Lucas 6:45  “El hombre bueno, del buen tesoro de su corazón saca el bien; y el hombre malo, del mal tesoro de su corazón saca el mal; porque de la abundancia del corazón habla la boca”.

La gente que cree en el new age o “la nueva era” creen en el Karma y de la misma manera creen que lo que emanas por medio de tu intencion y por medio de tu expresion fisica sea en lo que dices lo que piensas, lo que meditas vuelve en algun momento de tu vida hacia ti.

Hay muchas religiones y creencas que creen que tu te creas tu propio destino de acuerdo a lo que confiesas con tu boca. Sea como sea o creas como creas la realidad es que lo que decis te afecta a ti y afecta a todas las personas a tu alrededor.

Que tema tan interesante! Me facina el hecho que hay una gran ciencia sobre el trabajo y la correlacion de la expresion linguistica, corporal y el cerebro.

Podemos cambiar una inmensa porcion de nuestras vidas internas, externas y de nuetras relaciones interpersonales cuando tenemos un claro entendimiento de como lo que digo, lo que pienso y en lo que medito me afecta a mi y las personas a nuestro alrededor.

Para manejar un automovil, hay que ponderle gasolina y esa gasolina tiene que ser la adecuada.  Que pasa si le pones diesel a un coche que lleva gasolina regular? Va a funcionar mal hasta que se rompa.

Si traducimos este ejemplo at ser humano. Hay que pensar que para vivir, crecer, y desarollarse en la vida todos necesitamos un dialogo interior exterior y comunicacion con los demas.  Al igual que el automovil, hay un tipo de comunicacion saludable y adecuada para vivir bien y otra que hace que tus mecanismos interiores y exteriores fallen.

Te podes preguntar: Como sabes que lo que sale de la boca afecta al cerebro?  Muy bien mi sentido comun me dice que aprendemos inicialmente de lo que escuchamos a los demas decir.

Asi aprendemos todos los lenguajes que existen el corporal, como se mueve tu cuerpo y o expresion facial para demostrar un sentimiento o proyectar una necesidad, el cerebral, de acuerdo a lo que escuchaste ser dicho de ti y de acuerdo a lo que viste ser demostrado hacia ti por medio del lenguaje corporal de tu familia y o amigo a temprana edad desarollaste to forma de verte a ti mismo/a lo cual ha tenido una gran parte en tu auto estima.

Por consiguiente, tu aprendes, disciernes, analizas y tomas decisiones de acuerdo a lo que sale de tu boca. Tu pienzas de acuerdo a lo que ya conoces y a la informacion recibida, pero gran parte de esa informacion recibida esta en lo que dices.

Por esa razon en cada una de nuestros encuentros te voy  demostrar maneras en las cuales puedas hablarte a ti mismo/a de una manera sana.

Otra referencia que deseo hacer de la Biblia hoy para reforsar el entendimiento que estoy tratando de establecer es: Romanos 10:17Nueva Versión Internacional (NVI)

17 Así que la fe viene como resultado de oír el mensaje, y el mensaje que se oye es la palabra de Cristo.

O sea que la fe o lo que tu crees viene como resultado de oir el mensaje.  Cuando tu hablas en alto o piensas te estas dando un mensaje que tu cerebro esta escuchando.

Ahora que ya sabemos como trabaja nuestro cerebro en relacion a nuestro lenguaje es muy importante aprender a tener conciencia de como nos hablamos a nosotros mismos y de como les hablamos a los demas.

Los demas pueden ser tus padres, esposo/a, tu hijo/a, tu amigo/a, o un desconocido.  Claro que con cada una de estas personas tenes una relacion diferente y seguramente te  comunicas de maneras diferentes con ellos.Con cada una de estas relaciones tenes un tipo diferente de confianza y alianza. De todas maneras necesitas tomar la iniciativa de considerar tu charla interior y como te comunicas con cualquiera de estos grupos ya que no importa con quien hables vas a tener un impacto en ellos.

Cuales son los componenentes mas importantes para que tengas una charla interior y por consiguiente exterior sana? Es vivir cada dia y pensar cada pensamiento con amor, con paz, con esperanza y con la mejor intension que podes.

 

Con gran cariño,
Alicia Yombalakian

AA MEETING FOR SUFFERERS OF REJECTION. PART 2 “Nothing goes right for me”

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I want to be positive but I can’t consistently do it. I go from positive to doubtful to fearful and that thing that I am waiting for just does not seem to come.  It takes longer than expected to work for me.  There are so many more steps that I have to take.  If you are anything like me. You start something and hope for something, but somehow, things do not tend to go your way or are just hard to get.

If I remember right while I was in my developmental years I was constantly taught that I do not have much value, I cannot do anything right, and surely I cannot amount to much…

I did not realize how harmful this program being downloaded into my brain was up until I was about 40 years of age. The information you are hearing, reading, and experiencing creates new pathways in your brain. Therefore, if you heard the wrong things and of course through the wrong things since you were very young, That is all there is; unless you purposely recognize the unhealthy thoughts and change them for healthy new ones.

My friend takes work! It does but is well worth it. The Bible says that we are what we think and it is so true.  You surely cannot give what you do not have.  Not to others and not to yourself. If you believe wrong you think wrong and act wrong.

Please translate this next example to your own experience to make it work for you.

I was a little girl daughter of a poor frustrated angry daddy, who had standards that I would never ever ever ever, no matter whatever reach. His choice of words unto me was. “Alicia, you are good for nothing, you will never do anything right”. What do you think I grew up thinking? Yeah, exactly that.

Deep inside of me was the knowledge that I can’t achieve. Why? Because I am good for nothing, therefore, I have no value. Who will love someone who is good for nothing? Who will value someone who was never taught what the proper value of people is?

So I became many things, like a people pleaser.  I think that if I didn’t get out of my way to please everyone on my path I might have had fewer good friends and a lot fewer dishonest ones.  Anyway, I worked on it and I do continue to work on it. By using this awesome brain God gave me a bit of work on my part. I simply catch myself in the act and tell myself that this thought is wrong and sometimes I say this thought is a lie, it is just not accurate and I replace it with a healthy one. Once you start living a healthier inner life, your decisions, behaviors, and choices will be healthier and your perspective about everything in life will be better.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself and recognize where you are putting yourself down or treating yourself with a lower standard than you deserve. You can’t go back in time to change what’s already happened and you might not be able to find out where it started or who’s at fault. Staying stuck in the past that you can’t change will not prosper you.

When you forgive it lets you heal. Please let him, her, or them go, forgive them, and love yourself.  I acknowledge that forgiving is a process and it cannot be done in a moment’s time, however, I do know that you can make the decision right now that start walking on that path. The same goes for loving yourself. It’s a journey to embrace, but you can decide now to start walking it. You are still breathing.  The one who provides you your every breath right now still has a purpose for you and He wants to heal you. I truly believe so.

Even if others do not value you as you deserve to be valued, God values you! Looking up to that higher power for support when we feel weak tends to initiate the path to a strength we believe we don’t have within us on our own. I encourage you to become aware of your options for healing and simply make the decision to start that journey, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and nobody can change you but you.

Someone may have hurt you in ways that you feel you cannot come back from. You might feel rejected by others, so you reject yourself too. Yet, I want you to know that you have more strength and resilience within you than may be apparent. You don’t deserve rejection and hurt. You do deserve your best and it’s within the grasp of your own decisions to offer yourself all the best you can.  You got this!

With much love,

Alicia

AA Meeting For Sufferers Of REJECTION. Open Now! Part 1

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Let’s talk about rejection in a realistic way. Let’s open up the can of worms, friends. The only way to deal with this is to uncover the wound; clean it, and dress it to rid it of the inflammation and infection. Continue doing the same process daily until it heals.

After healing, the scar will be gone. Other times you might have a small line in remembrance of that scar. It’s okay. You can use it to tell someone who has an infected wound how you got yours healed and help them heal theirs. 

Let’s talk about this from sufferer to sufferer.  That is right.  I am not a scholar who has learned from books alone, but a sufferer who is healing through awareness and by working with God on a daily basis.  Sometimes, I feel so bad that I need someone else to uncover my wound and clean it – even if just for today.  Tomorrow I will have the strength to keep on going on my own again.  Well, never on my own really – always with my ever companion, God. 

 A little bit on how I got hurt:

My dad was brutally abused by his dad as a child and that made him very angry and sour – full of unforgiveness. As a perfectionist, he was never satisfied with his family. I was never able to measure up to his standards. Since I can remember, I was the stupid piece of “something,” “good-for-nothing” who will never do anything right.  

I remember being 6 years old. No matter how much my little hands shook trying to fold dad’s handkerchief correctly, I was never able to do it well enough. I really wanted to impress my dad, and I needed my dad’s approval, but it never happened.

As the oldest child, I instinctively played the role defender. For example, I once stepped in while my father was hitting my little brother. “Stop hitting him and hit me instead,” I said. I was afraid but courageous at the same time.

At that time, I was the defender against the monster in my world. However, I later realized that my dad was not a monster, but he was a badly hurt person who never got the help he needed. That was something I didn’t completely realize until my father got Alzheimer’s disease and I had to take care of him. 

Because I was already in a relationship with Christ, I was able to understand and hurt compassionately for my dad and forgive him. 

However, my friends, I must tell you that I grew up all broken up and hurt. I always felt out of place and unable to fit in.  Insecure, I became a people-pleaser without realizing it. I would offer without being asked and give of my self even when I could not afford to; and, in many instances, without the reciprocation that I expected. I worked hard to fit in and be accepted. As a teenager, I had boyfriends that were no good for me, and never even thought about ending it. I guess I had no self-value.

There is help. There is healing and you and I can have happy fulfilled lives. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, my friend. You are not alone, and I am not alone.

We can do this. We will do this.

We deserve good things like everyone else that God has created. Though this is not a book, a blog, let’s go on a journey of healing together.

Awareness is the first component we need in order to find direction and a path to healing. Without it we can neither move forward nor can we grow or have proper direction.

Imagine trying to find an address in the middle of the night while wearing sunglasses  In order to arrive at your destination, you need to:

  1. Take your sunglasses off. We do this through awareness.
  2. Type the address on the GPS. (Translation) = Pray to God about your pain, needs, plans, etc.
  3. Listen to the voice on the GPS. = Be open to hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit.
  4. Follow it’s directions until you arrive at your destination. = Follow the voice of the Spirit, do not ignore it.