If you have realized that you keep on dating potential partners with the same traits and it fails, this is for you.
I am speaking out of my own experience. The first sentence in this piece was me. Why? Well, I didn’t know what I was really looking for. I did not know my actual value. I sold myself short. I was also looking for my dad without knowing it. Why? Because he was my only role model to follow. I also wanted to feel protected. My dad was a hurt, angry man who put me down and was unable to show me love in a healthy way. He just didn’t know how. Somehow, I found myself getting partners that fit the shape of my negative self image. I somehow found guys who wanted to use me, who did not value me the way I deserved and who in a way or the other put me down.
At the time, I didn’t know what I was doing. I know. It was before Google and at a time when psychology and the understanding of human behavior was not for everyone.
In any case, I have learned my lessons. I have grown and gave myself the value I deserve. If what I am saying resonates with you, please read on. I will give you a short guideline on how to break the chains of undervaluing, how to know and love yourself and search for the partner you actually want to find.
“Value and love yourself”
The truth is that if you do not pursue loving and giving yourself the proper value you deserve, nobody will. Your behavior towards yourself and others shows your partner how you want to be treated. You are your own example. One of the ways you value yourself is by making healthy, conscious decisions for your life and setting up boundaries. What is your value? You are as valuable as any other human being. Not more and not less. However, that is a very high value. You are alive and are part of this amazing ecosystem called life. Give yourself the gift of love by not devaluing what you deserve.
What do you deserve? Most certainly, honesty, pure and true love, hope, fair partnership, care, kindness, growth, laughter, fun, respect. You deserve the same things your partner deserves from you. The point is that you need to find value within you to expect others to value you.
What are you looking for?
It would be ideal to make a list of traits you are looking for in a partner. For example, you desire to share sports with him or her. He or she must like movies, romance, action, etc. You need to express and receive physical affection. You have goals to travel the world, etc.
What you can live with? What is deal breaker?
“He or she must have this particular trait”, “He or she cannot have this particular trait. It’s a deal breaker”. It is important to make a list of things you can stand or handle. Things where you can compromise and things that are a deal breaker.
All these parameters need to be established before you begin your search or accept someone’s feelings.
Key questions to ask yourself:
What are my most important expectations of my partner? In regards to love, life, communication, respect, outside activities, fun, etc.
What is a must for me? In regards to career and goals, expressing love, communication, etc.
What can I live with, but I don’t like? For example, smoking, drinking, type of outings.
What is a deal breaker? For example, I cannot handle a person who is not clean under my standards of clean or a neat person. I cannot handle a smoker, etc.
Conclusion: How do I break the chain of finding the wrong partner and find the right one for me? By knowing myself. Asking myself questions, meditating on the answers and writing them down. Setting expectations for myself and for that potential partner. Also, by being clear with him or her on what you are looking for, what is a must, what can be compromised and what is a deal breaker.
I wish you the very best in your search for love.
With much love,