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Better Life Today

Para Que?

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Mientras estaba en sesión con mi increíble Coach de Vida, ella me hizo una pregunta que me desconcertó y abrió una nueva puerta de posibilidades. Voy a compartir esa pregunta contigo. Es simplemente “para qué”. Me preguntó “para qué” hice algo o no hice lo que quería o necesitaba hacer.

¡Sí! ¿Para qué abro las cortinas de mi habitación por la mañana? “¿Para que?” Veo un programa en la television. “¿Para que ?”

Me pidió que escribiera “para qué”. Hago todo lo que hago a diario durante una semana.

Pregunto “Para que”, con el fin de averiguar a dónde va mi tiempo y los motivos que he asignado a esas actividades. Además, esta pregunta puede ayudarme a ver dónde está mi mente. En qué estoy pensando.

En mi profesion de Coach de Vida, hago las mismas preguntas, pero de una manera diferente. Te pediría que escribas todo lo que haces en un día o una semana para analizar tus actividades y estructurar un calendario con las metas que queres conseguir. Veriamos “por qué” haces algo para descubrir si eso es lo que realmente queres hacer o qué tan beneficioso es para alcanzar tus objetivos.

Sin embargo, la pregunta de “para qué” me permite averiguar el propósito de lo que hago algo o no hago. Tiendo a encontrar explicaciones de por qué hago o no hago algo.

Me he dado cuenta de que encontrar explicaciones que comienzan con la palabra “porque” están respondiendo a la pregunta “por qué”. En muchos casos, necesitamos averiguar el por qué para encontrar la causa raíz de algo. Sin embargo, descubrir “para qué” conlleva un propósito, responsabilidad y fomenta la atención plena.

Ahora, cuando estoy a punto de hacer o no hacer algo, me pregunto “para qué” debería o no hacer esa actividad. Esto me hace pensar antes de actuar y me ayuda a no abstenerme de hacer lo que necesito o deseo hacer. Me permite tomar decisiones más conscientes con mi tiempo y con el camino que estoy tomando para alcanzar mis metas. Asi bien tenga objetivos de crecimiento emocional o financieros.

Te invito a preguntarte “para qué” estás haciendo algo.

La respuesta podría sorprenderte. Es posible que te encuentres haciendo cosas por la razón equivocada. Es posible que descubras que haces cosas por los demás más que por ti, incluso cuando no es necesario. También puede encontrar aliento para buscar algo que no estas enfrentando en su vida en este momento.

¿Por qué deberías intentar preguntar menos “por qué” y más para qué?

Porque te mereces lo mejor? La respuesta es: “Porque podría hacer que tu dolor o emociones lastimadas se sientan validadas, podría ayudarte a encontrar la causa raíz de tus sentimientos y eso está bien.” Sin embargo, después de preguntar “por qué”(encuentres una respuesta o no), pregunta “para qué”. Podría ayudarte a ganar terreno e impulso para estructurar tus acciones hacia el logro de metas y el crecimiento.

Con mucho cariño,

Alicia

What for?

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While in session with my amazing Life Coach, she asked a question that baffled me and opened up a new door of possibility. I will share that question with you. It is simply “what for”. She also asked me “what for” I did something or didn’t do what I wanted or needed to do.

Yes! What for do I open the curtains of my room in the morning, “what for” I watch a show, “What for” everything.

She asked me to write “what for” I do everything I do on a daily basis for a week.

What for? In order to find out where my time goes and the reasons I have assigned these times to those activities. As well, this question can help me see where my mind is at. What I am thinking about.

As a Life Coach myself, I ask the same questions, but in a different way. I would ask you to write everything you do in a day or week in order to analyze your activities to structure a goal-minded schedule. Let’s find out why you do something in order to find out if that is what you really want to do or how beneficial it is in order to achieve your goals.

However, the question of “what for” enables me to find out the purpose for which I do something or I don’t. I tend to find explanations of why I do or don’t do something.

I have realized that finding explanations that start with the word “because” are answering the question “why”. In many instances, we need to find out why in order to find the root cause of something. Yet, finding out “what for” entails purpose, gives a sense of responsibility, and builds mindfulness.

Now, whenever I am about to do or not do something I ask myself “what for” I should or not do that activity. This makes me think before I act and it helps me not refrain from doing what I need or desire to do. It allows me to make more conscious choices with my time and with the path that I am taking to achieve my goals. Whether the goals are emotional growth or financial ones.

I invite you to ask yourself “what for” you are doing something.

The answer might surprise you. You might catch yourself doing things for the wrong reason. You might find that you do things for others more than for yourself, even when are not needed. You might also find encouragement to pursue something you are not facing in your life right now.

Why should you try to ask less “why” and more what for?

Because you deserve your very best. The answer to “Why” might make your pain or heartache feel validated, it might help you find the root cause of your feelings and that is ok. However, after asking “why” whether you find an answer or not, asking “what for” might help you gain ground and momentum to structure your actions toward achieving goals and growing.

With much love,

Alicia

I need validation!

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We all need validation.  It is a very needed component for a healthy emotional balance. We are social beings and we need to be part of a group. Whether family, schoolmates, co-workers, friends, or any other quality of human connection.

Nowadays a lot of people will protect themselves by saying: “I don’t need validation. I validate myself.”, which sounds great if you are being diminished or mistreated by a group of people. However, life will not be happy or balanced if I cannot be accepted by anyone.  We all find someone who says I accept you as you are.  In my book, that is the best form of validation.

Yet, an even better form of validation is accepting yourself as you are and understanding that life does not have to be an ongoing war of acceptance.

Simply some people will accept you as you are and some won’t.

Definition of validating: Validate is a verb that means to show or confirm the effectiveness of something. To validate is to prove that something is based on truth or fact, or is acceptable. It can also mean making something, like a contract, legal.

When you use the word validations through its true meaning, you are saying:” If you accept me and I accept you, we are signing an emotional and maybe moral legal contract between us where we will develop a relationship.”

We require validation as a form of acceptance from our parents, siblings, extended family, and friends all through our lives.  However, this process begins at birth.  As you grow and you are taught the rights and wrongs, the do’s and don’ts.  The way in which you are corrected when you make mistakes.  Statements like: “You never do anything right”, “You will never amount to anything”, “You are a disaster!”, “You are terrible”, “I am disappointed in you”, etc. are all statements that diminish the value of the person making a mistake or not knowing how to perform a task under someone else’s expectations.  When that person is a child, it impacts that child’s view of himself and also impacts the way he feels about his relationships.  “I’m bad.”, “I’m not good enough.”, or “Nobody likes me.”  This does not feel validated.

This is a good reason why we need to separate behavior modification and love. Instead of using harsh statements like the ones I shared above it would be advisable to think before speaking to say things that will not threaten the child’s acceptance and love but will address the wrong behavior.  For example: “Peter, this is not the way that we fold clothes. Let me show you”  “Mary, you should not hit your brother. Please use your words. Say what is bothering you or making you angry, but do not use your hands. Please apologize and try better next time.”

Peter and Mary were explained that a behavior or a way of doing things was not right, but they did not feel unloved or unaccepted.

Yet, if you are an adult and negative statements were used to address you when you were a child, you are probably seeking attention to experience validation.  There are different ways to do that, but the most common one is becoming a people pleaser. You try to do what makes people feel good because you want to be accepted.  You desire people to think well of you and without their love and acceptance, you feel empty; meaning you have not accepted yourself.

Once you become aware of these aspects of your behavior or your need for validation, you can begin to address these needs by validating yourself. Of course, it takes time and practice to achieve. However, you can use a few strategies to get started.

1- Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and use positive affirmation to tell yourself how valuable you are and how deserving of love and respect you are.

2- Every time you realize you’re about to please people, stop yourself and ask yourself questions like: “What am I about to do?” “Am I trying to be supportive to a friend, or am I trying to please him/her?” The answer to these questions will enable you to make a conscious decision of supporting someone or to retract and not offer help that would have been to please people. 

You might find people who are accepting of you and make you feel validated, and some that will not. Yet, the most important person you need to accept and experience validation from is you.  You do deserve the best. Give yourself your best!

With much love,

Alicia

AA MEETING FOR SUFFERERS OF REJECTION. PART 2 “Nothing goes right for me”

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I want to be positive but I can’t consistently do it. I go from positive to doubtful to fearful and that thing that I am waiting for just does not seem to come.  It takes longer than expected to work for me.  There are so many more steps that I have to take.  If you are anything like me. You start something and hope for something, but somehow, things do not tend to go your way or are just hard to get.

If I remember right while I was in my developmental years I was constantly taught that I do not have much value, I cannot do anything right, and surely I cannot amount to much…

I did not realize how harmful this program being downloaded into my brain was up until I was about 40 years of age. The information you are hearing, reading, and experiencing creates new pathways in your brain. Therefore, if you heard the wrong things and of course through the wrong things since you were very young, That is all there is; unless you purposely recognize the unhealthy thoughts and change them for healthy new ones.

My friend takes work! It does but is well worth it. The Bible says that we are what we think and it is so true.  You surely cannot give what you do not have.  Not to others and not to yourself. If you believe wrong you think wrong and act wrong.

Please translate this next example to your own experience to make it work for you.

I was a little girl daughter of a poor frustrated angry daddy, who had standards that I would never ever ever ever, no matter whatever reach. His choice of words unto me was. “Alicia, you are good for nothing, you will never do anything right”. What do you think I grew up thinking? Yeah, exactly that.

Deep inside of me was the knowledge that I can’t achieve. Why? Because I am good for nothing, therefore, I have no value. Who will love someone who is good for nothing? Who will value someone who was never taught what the proper value of people is?

So I became many things, like a people pleaser.  I think that if I didn’t get out of my way to please everyone on my path I might have had fewer good friends and a lot fewer dishonest ones.  Anyway, I worked on it and I do continue to work on it. By using this awesome brain God gave me a bit of work on my part. I simply catch myself in the act and tell myself that this thought is wrong and sometimes I say this thought is a lie, it is just not accurate and I replace it with a healthy one. Once you start living a healthier inner life, your decisions, behaviors, and choices will be healthier and your perspective about everything in life will be better.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself and recognize where you are putting yourself down or treating yourself with a lower standard than you deserve. You can’t go back in time to change what’s already happened and you might not be able to find out where it started or who’s at fault. Staying stuck in the past that you can’t change will not prosper you.

When you forgive it lets you heal. Please let him, her, or them go, forgive them, and love yourself.  I acknowledge that forgiving is a process and it cannot be done in a moment’s time, however, I do know that you can make the decision right now that start walking on that path. The same goes for loving yourself. It’s a journey to embrace, but you can decide now to start walking it. You are still breathing.  The one who provides you your every breath right now still has a purpose for you and He wants to heal you. I truly believe so.

Even if others do not value you as you deserve to be valued, God values you! Looking up to that higher power for support when we feel weak tends to initiate the path to a strength we believe we don’t have within us on our own. I encourage you to become aware of your options for healing and simply make the decision to start that journey, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and nobody can change you but you.

Someone may have hurt you in ways that you feel you cannot come back from. You might feel rejected by others, so you reject yourself too. Yet, I want you to know that you have more strength and resilience within you than may be apparent. You don’t deserve rejection and hurt. You do deserve your best and it’s within the grasp of your own decisions to offer yourself all the best you can.  You got this!

With much love,

Alicia